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Review: The Illuminati doing great things for Northcentral Montana

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Illuminai 1Have you ever looked at the way things are in your own backyard and wondered if a higher power was in control of more than you could ever realize?

If you think you’re crazy for believeing this, don’t be, because it most definitely is.

The Illuminati is hard at work right here in Great Falls, making sure the power is spread to the right people while keeping the anti-Illuminati groups out in the cold.

How do I know?

Just take a look at the hidden facts and you’ll see that the truth is out there.

Here are just a few areas that the Illuminati has control over, but know that there are even more aspects of life in this little hamlet that this all-powerful, all-seeing organization has a stake in.

Why is the Montana State Fair always in Great Falls? And why do a majority of the musicians invited to perform almost always some sort of country acts? The Illuminati, son.

Why has Piano Pat Sponheim been able to keep her same gig at the Sip-n-Dip lounge for longer than many people in this town have been alive? The Illuminati, son.

How has the Voyagers been able to find fairly consistent success within the Pioneer League each year despite the fact that none of their players are on steroids? Yes. The Illuminati, son.

Simiarly, why do you think the University of Great Falls women’s basketball team was able to make a run at the NAIA Final Four this year, ultimately losing to Oklahoma City University in the Elite Eight? The Illuminati, girl.

VOyagers
A photo of your 2015 Great Falls Voyagers from last year.

Finally, we’ll combine this one. Why did Montana Actor’s Theatre-Great Falls close last year, and why can’t Machinery Row keep a restaurant open in it’s location for more than 5 years at a time despite the fact that it seems like an ideal venue to have one there?

You guessed it — the Illuminati, son.

In all of these instances, I believe that the Illuminati has done a nice job at keeping things in our town exactly the way it should.

In fact, part of me wishes the Illuminati had more of a foothold of Great Falls because there’s way too much independent thought running rampant in this place.

If you look at all the artists trying new and different things that don’t pay tribute to the Illuminati, it starts to concern me that one day, the Illuminati may see these clear acts of defiance against the all-knowing organization and just get up and leave without any prior notice.

And if the Illuminati leaves, so to does any chance at our survival as a community.

Some things that would immediately change include any plans for that new commercial complex out by Malmstrom becoming a new Walmart would be tossed out the window.

The State Fair would quit booking any country musicians because the Illuminati wouldn’t have a grip on that shit anymore.

We’d see more graffiti on the streets telling people to “Think for yourself” and “question authority.”

Both ideas that would never fly with the Illuminati in charge, and with good reason. Why think for yourself when the secret religion can do all of that for you?

And then don’t even get me started on all of the symbols all over town that clearly show evidence that the Illuminati is here would immediately be washed away.

 

The triangle-shaped Madison Park, long a meeting spot for Illuminati leaders in the dead of night, would be demolished right away.

Same too for the bigger triangle-shaped meeting grounds — Jaycee Park, a place where the Illuminati National Convention has been held every three years, also during the dead of night and in complete silence.

How many secret Illuminati symbols do you see in this photo? The correct answer is 57.
How many secret Illuminati symbols do you see in this photo? The correct answer is 57.

And unless our baseball team all starts taking steroids, which isn’t likely given the fact that we’re not grandfathered in like other towns have been before the ban took effect several years ago, we can never expect our rag-tag group of baseball players to ever win another game again all because the Illuminati left.

For these reasons and more, I hope that our neighborhood secret society keeps going strong well into the next generation. Because not only do we need their support, we also need their wisdom in reminding us that doing things how they’ve always been done is a perfect way to approach the future, too, especially when it doesn’t seem to make sense to keep doing it that way.

Ultimately that’s the biggest reason why we should all thank the Illuminati for choosing to stay in Great Falls.

That and it makes for some great April Fool’s Day material for us writer types.

Happy April Fool’s Day!

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