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Dr. Pathetic returns to offer some helpful, practical Halloween dating advice

Go from zero to hero by following these easy tips

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Longtime followers of mine, all two of you out there (hi mom and dad!), will undoubtedly remember my association with a certain doctor that started back around 2004 or 2005.

This doctor and I bonded in a way few people do. In fact, I grew to like this doctor so much that I gave him my prime spot in the heralded pages of the Montana Kaimin, the student-run newspaper on the University of Montana campus.

While I could have used that spot to write about anything, I chose to let the good doctor take my spot and help the lonely youth on the UM campus solve their love troubles. I advised him to use a pen-name, but he insisted in using his real moniker, Dr. H.P. Pathetic. H and P standing for Hewlett Packard.

Now, Mr. Pathetic, excuse me, Dr. Pathetic, ran every Friday for two years in the Montana Kaimin, even though I’d argue that he probably only should have been allowed to last a semester. At any rate, after I graduated from college, Dr. Pathetic left with me.

He’s been somewhat elusive ever since then, as well. Last I heard he was on the lam in Mexico after being convicted of smuggling the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy across the border, which, wouldn’t have been illegal if not for the 250-kilos of cocaine that was hidden in the books.

At any rate, last week I received a call from my old friend. He said he was still in Mexico somewhere, but, he had found Big Sky State Buzz and asked if he could write a column. I wasn’t so keen on the idea at first, I wasn’t sure if this person was the real Hewlett Packard Pathetic, but, he emailed me his ID badge and said he had a great topic he’d like to cover. After some hemming and hawing, I reluctantly accepted. And with that, here’s the triumphant return of Dr. Pathetic, who will be writing about how to properly approach women dressed up in sexy costumes on Halloween.

And so, here he is.


Thank you Jake. It’s been a long time. Too long, in fact. As Jake mentioned, I’ve been on the run in Mexico, but it’s all just a big misunderstanding. My editor, Aberjhani something (I never caught his last name), told me that if I could smuggle 1,000 kilos of coke to him in Mexico, he’d have enough cash to distribute my new novels “50 Shades of Bae.”

I thought it’d be clever to send the kilos to him disguised as the books that inspired me, but, the border authority did not agree.

Anyhow, enough of that, let’s get down to business, shall we?


Dr. H.P. Pathetic

Halloween is this weekend. If you’re like me, you’ve noticed that over the years the Halloween costumes have tended to get more and more revealing, particularly for women. This isn’t an accident. Women, in my expert opinion, have gotten more and more sexualized over the years. The reason for that is rather simple. Feminism. Feminism has given women an open-door policy when it comes to dressing sexy-like, no matter what their mothers might think.

Now, I’m not judging at all here. I think women deserve to wear whatever kinds of costumes they’d like. If they want to dress as a sexy Donald Trump, super. If they want to dress as a sexy Janet Reno, wonderful. If they want to dress as a sexy Mother Theresa, more power to them.

But, here’s the problem, and this is what prompted me to look up my good friend Jake and ask to write a column for him.

You might think that women who dress in sexy costumes don’t want to be approached by thousands of guys on Halloween. And you’d be correct. However, don’t let that stop you, young man. Go out there and approach that sexy Janet Reno and see where things go from there. Also please note that while this list is written for heterosexual men, these tips can be applied to people of any sexual orientation. I’ve seen people use these techniques to men or women who walk under any color in the sexuality rainbow.

Janet Reno 1What follows are some tips on how to do that as smoothly as possible.

  • Tip No. 1 for approaching a sexy costumed woman

Personalize your first line. Say something like, “You look just like my sister if she also dressed up in that costume, can I buy you a drink?” Or, “My mom told me the woman wearing that very costume you have on would become my future wife. Can I call you sometime?” Or, my personal favorite, “That costume reminds me of me when I was your age. How did you know that I also love X? Can I have your number and we can compare sizes together?”

These techniques are tried and true. I’ve gotten so many women’s numbers on Halloween using them. Try them for yourself. You’ll be glad you did.

So, OK, now say there’s other men out there talking to these costumed vixens? How do you separate yourself from them? That leads us into

  • Tip No. 2 for approaching a sexy costumed woman

sexy hulkStraight men love straight women. It’s just how we are wired. As such, when a beautiful, funny and intelligent woman walks into a place dressed like Wonder Woman, she’s probably going to capture the attention of more than a few fellas.

This is why you have to get creative to separate yourself from the pack. This first move is something I perfected in college, with Jake as my wingman. He’s seen this worked to perfection, and thus proves how well it works.

If there’s a woman you’d like to talk with, but there’s a bunch of dudes already crowding around her, slyly unzip your pants and wiz on the floor near the dude who’s closest to you. They’ll smell your urine and will head for the hills, while the woman will also pick up the scent and will become more attracted to you because of the pheromones you’re unleashing at the same time. Just be careful because if you urinate too much, you might find that other women will crowd you. Be careful with your new-found power, young Padawan.

So now you’ve found the woman of your dreams, you’ve impressed her with your opening line, and you’re ready to start impressing her with your conversation skills.

Now you’re going to need stuff to talk about, right? You can’t just start talking and hope something makes sense. No, you need to craft a careful plan for things that will get her more interested in you beyond the smell of your pheromones, which, once the urine dries, won’t be that effective anymore anyhow.

Here’s some tricks for framing the conversation in the right direction and is our final bit of advice.

  • Tip No. 3 for approaching a sexy costumed woman

While men and women might not agree on everything, one thing they can agree on is bacon. Everyone, except for a few weirdo vegans, anyhow.

Diva dictatorDespite this, you can’t just go up to a woman and start telling her all about bacon, though, can you? No. You have to be creative with it.

My suggestion to get the bacon train out of the station is to ask her how much bacon she’s eaten in the past 48 hours. That way, you make it seem like you’re interested in her and it gets her talking so you can show off your listening skills. Then, you can ask her if she’s ever tried telling time with bacon. That’ll get her thinking in a more creative manner because chances are she hasn’t ever done that. You can then show her how it’s done. I will be releasing a special DVD on how to learn how to tell time with bacon in 16 easy steps within the next few days, so watch for that if it’s not something you’ve learned yet, either.

Now that you’ve established a common interest, it’s time to push into something a bit more personal.

Because almost everyone loves to sing, take that idea and ask her to sing to you her phone number, home address and social security number, if you’re feeling especially daring.

The benefit of asking this is that almost every woman has a phone number, social security number and home address so she can’t make up an excuse for not being able to do it. Be sure to have a voice recorder handy, you’re going to want to hang onto this information for later. If she’s not sure what melody to sing, I suggest the Itsy Bitsy Spider song.

But, again, be creative and think about her costume. If she’s dressed as Ariel from the Little Mermaid, tell her to sing the info with the tune from Aladdin. If she’s wearing a sexy Spongebob costume, ask her to sing the theme song from Happy Days. There’s too many songs here to list, but think of something that’s related to her costume and you’ll be great.

And, with that, I guarantee that you will not be spending any more Halloweens as a single, pathetic loser, just be sure to follow these steps exactly. If you’re still not sure about them, just know that you can trust me because I’m a real doctor and not simply something that Jake made up to fill space on his website.

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