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Batman: ‘Avengers 2: Age of Ultron’ needed less Tony Stark, more Batman

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avengers 1I am Batman.

Don’t believe me? I’ve left a recording with Mr. Jake Sorich to prove my identity to you. (My Superhero identity, that is. We don’t need to be going around spilling all our secrets here. That’s something a brash, multimillionaire like Bruce Wayne would do, but not me, Batman. Not how I roll.

Anyhow, now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s get down to business, shall we?

Last night I attended the 10:15 p.m. showing of “Avengers 2: Age of Ultron.” And, I hated it, but not as much as I thought I would.

For this review to make sense I’ll go over one more item real quick like.

This is is me Batman, watching this movie.
This is is me Batman, watching this movie.

The Company that pays my bills is DC Comics. The Avengers, God love em, are paid by Marvel Comics. We think of these movies as advertisements for our deeds we do in real life. Are they dramatized? You bet. We want that. We want you, the viewers, to be entertained by our likenesses so when we’re out there in real life fighting crime, you know we’re here to help.

But, like I said, I hated this new Avengers movie, and here’s why.

Firstly, the villain, while menacing enough, just didn’t do much to excite me, Batman. I kept saying to myself “If only Tony Stark had installed the 2015 version of Norton Anti-virus on his artificial intelligence, he never would have had to deal with Ultron in the first place.

Because that’s what Ultron is, essentially. A computer virus that can infiltrate big, bad robots and machines. I think.

This villain is no match for the Joker, or even someone like Bane or Scarecrow or the Riddler. The villains I face have unique personalities and long and dark histories. They weren’t built in a lab.

Plus, when it comes to personalities, it was made painfully clear that Ultron’s was a mirror opposite of Tony Stark’s.

As much as I love Tony Stark, he and I are golf buddies, there are days I’m thankful that there’s only one of him.

But, in this movie there are two. Two much. (See what I did there?)

Now, another thing I hated about the movie that Marvel does so often is that it tries to force feed us a love story.

Quick, name the love interests in my last three movies.

Can you do it?

Unless you’re a superfan of mine, which, by the way thank you, I bet you can’t.

There’s a reason for that. I’m a superhero. I fight bad guys. I don’t have time for smooching and talking about fixing up my home and feelings.

No. The second I get like that is the second that the Joker hides a bomb on a boat that I CAN’T find because I got too wrapped up in my emotions.

However in Age of Ultron, we’re forced to endure the love story between Bruce Banner and Natasha Romanova, or The Hulk and Black Widow.

Firstly, no one cares that Hulk has the hots for Black Widow and that he’s afraid that his anger problem is ruining his chances to get with her. Too bad, Hulk. You made your bed now lay in it. You’re the angry green guy, so quit moaning about it.

And then Black Widow has to be the least interesting super hero ever, at least in this movie.

She’s there, it seems, solely to be the love interest of Bruce Banner. She hardly fights, she hardly takes charge of anything like a real superhero should. About three-quarters through the movie I started to wonder if maybe she had lost her superpowers because she doesn’t use them at all. In fact, what are her superpowers?

Now, critics might say “oh, well Batman, what are your superpowers? Huh?”

Black Widow looking cooler in this photo than she did in the entire movie.
Black Widow looking cooler in this photo than she did in the entire movie.

And to that I’d say, “I’m so smart that I don’t need superpowers. I’ve created tools in my lab, without catching a virus, mind you, that do most of the hard work for me. That’s my superpower….my brain.”

Anyhow, back to this Marvel-ous mess. See what I did there? Who said Batman has no sense of humor?

Speaking of humor, this movie had a lot of it, probably too much, in fact.

Ultron is the villain, Marvel, you don’t give him jokes. He should be striking fear into the hearts of the audience, not making them chuckle under their breath.

I get it, you found a formula that worked with the first Avengers movie and that formula involved a lot of laughs mixed in with the action. We get it.

That would never be a thing Batman would do, but, well, there’s nobody else like me in the world, I get it, I do.

But, let’s be honest for a minute — sometimes you can take a good thing too far.

Here's where I watch most of my movies unless a plucky young reporter asks me to review something.
Here’s where I watch most of my movies unless a plucky young reporter asks me to review something.

In Batman’s opinion, trying to make Captain America into Captain Stand-up just doesn’t work. Let Tony Stark be Tony Stark, that’s fine and we get it. But, the rest of the crew’s wisecracking needed to be toned down about 10 notches.

Plus, if you’re going for the lighthearted approach, why not some dancing? Disco balls? Women in go-go boots gyrating on tables while the hero looks for a bomb secretly hidden somewhere in a nightclub and the only way he can diffuse it is by cutting a rug or two on the dance floor with his sidekick.

I mean, that’s what I’d do. That’s what I did do.

The 1970s man, what a decade.

Now that I’m in a good mood, I feel like now is a good as time as any to go over what I liked in this movie.

The special effects were insane. Hardly ever did I feel like I was watching something that wasn’t real, something that was clearly CGI.

Without spoiling the end, there’s a scene that’s so massive in scope that it made me reach for my Batarang while I was sitting in the theater, until I realized it was my cell phone and that I left my mask at the Batcave.

I also loved the fight scene between The Hulk and Iron Man.

It was probably the best scene in the entire film. As you probably know, I’ve fought with my fellow superheroes a time or two, and in fact I’ll be portrayed in a new movie where that’s the central theme to the plot — me fighting Superman.

Batman likes to dance, what?
Batman likes to dance, what?

But, well, Iron Man and the Hulk took it to another level with their battle. It was so big, so beautiful, so everything that you could want in a movie like this one.

Even if it showed a weakness in the Avengers in that all it takes is one person who can mess with their minds and they’re on the verge of self-destruction.

A team is only as powerful as it’s weakest link, and when that weak link snaps, well, then the party is over.

This movie showed how easy that is to do with these Avengers, even though you might argue that nobody snapped, but they came very close to it, and it didn’t even involve any personal crisis.

You didn’t see me snapping when my parents died, and yet here you have Thor, The Hulk and Black Widow in particular nearly going nuts over a few twisted dreams.

Believe me, I’ve had a twisted dream or two, and yet I’ve been able to maintain my composure through it all.

Because I’m Batman.

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