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A single guy’s guide to dating in Great Falls

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dating 1No matter how rich, attractive, powerful or great a person you are, dating by and large really sucks.

There’s no two ways about it. If you’re on a blind date, there’s so many unanswered questions going into the experience and you never quite know what to expect when that first date comes along.

Will she like the location we’ve chosen? Did I wear too much cologne? Should I make plans for what to do after the date’s over? What are we going to talk about?

And, here’s the thing. I think I know a thing or two about how to have a successful date.

However, here’s the rub — I’ve managed to stay single despite having this supposed “knowledge.”

Therefore, I’m writing this guide on how to successfully date in Great Falls by going against what my gut tells me to do.

I am therefore advising you all to make like George Costanza in the Seinfeld episode “The Opposite,” and do a complete 180 from what I might consider doing when it comes to dating.

Here we go.

Now boarding the train to  Marriage Island. Capacity two. Or one. Or three, like equality man.
Now boarding the train to Marriage Island. Capacity two. Or one. Or three, like equality man.

If you’re doing the whole online dating thing, definitely don’t start off with anything BUT a simple “Yo, what up?” or “Hi.”

It seems as if you bring anything intelligent to the conversation right off the bat, that’s a major turn-off. In fact, quit trying to act smart, or be smart at all.

Women don’t want to date a professor, they’d rather be with a big, dumb oaf who grunts rather than talks.

In fact, if you have a first date planned, see if you can make it the entire date by only grunting. She’ll love it.

Secondly, when it comes to choosing where to go, you can’t go wrong asking her to come to your place and meeting your entire family.

It especially helps if you tell your family members that you’re about to meet your soon-to-be wife and that she knows all about it so feel free to start asking about the wedding.

This serves two purposes. One, it means you won’t have to do much talking because your family will ask all the questions, and two, since women love weddings, it’ll get her all excited to be talking about it right out of the gates.

After your entire family, really, the ENTIRE family, meets your date, you’re all going to want to eat something.

Your first reaction might be to serve your date something fancy like fried chicken or sushi.

Don’t do it.

You’re only going to be setting yourself up for failure later on because if you go out of your way to spoil your date, she’s going to expect it every time you go out in the future.

Instead, make sure to set the bar low on the first date. I’d choose something like Spam. Or, you can be creative — serve her corn flakes and beer, or Campbell’s Alphabet Soup where you spell her name plus your name with “in love forever.”

She’ll appreciate the thought that went into such an act, plus you’ll gain points from your parents, too, who will be happy to know that you’ve learned to spell properly.

After dinner, say goodbye to the family and head on outside some place to get down to business — offering her money for sex.


How much, you ask?

This depends entirely on how much you have in your pockets, how much you spent on dinner, whether or not anyone will be watching, and if you plan on asking her to give you a full-body massage and/or shower.

For just intercourse, I’d recommend anywhere between $8 to $16. For a full-service experience I’d say anywhere between $10 and $22.

Giving her any more than $25, however, means that next time she’ll expect just as much, and you gotta ask yourself if you’re willing to shell out that kind of money.

When you pay her for sex, don’t expect to just get right down to it right away.

No, you’ve got to get her in the mood first, right?

Pictured: Way too much money to offer her to take her clothes off.
Pictured: Way too much money to offer her to take her clothes off.

You’re going to want to find a good romantic spot for the magic to start happening.

I recommend the Great Falls Airport terminal, the good-ole Walmart parking lot, across the street at the refinery, or, if you’re feeling particularly daring, you can try sneaking onto the military base.

Think of it as a game. Whoever gets on base first without getting shot in the leg wins a kiss. After you pay her, of course, though. You have to be a gentleman, after all.

Now that you’ve set the mood, and the evening is almost over, you’re going to need to get a song playlist together for your trip to pound town.

Some tracks I’d recommend include

  • “Cotton Eye Joe” by Rednex
  • “I Hate Everything About You” by Three Days Grace
  • “I Think I’m Going Bald” by Rush
  • “Pull the Plug” by Death
  • “Virus Alert” by Weird Al Yankovic (Or any Weird Al song, for sure)
  • “Die by the Sword” by Slayer
  • “Achy Breaky Heart” by Miley Cyrus’s dad
  • “Old Man” by Neil Young … and finally
  • “Macho Man” by the Village People

And that, my friends, is my guide to going on a successful date. Do you have any tips to make it even better? Leave a comment below!

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